Wow. It’s been a while since I blogged!
I wish I could bottle this feeling/mood/good day.
This is a very rare sort of day, for me.
I’ve been feeling awful for months and months. Years, actually. Approx 3 years.
The feeling of intense stress, living in every fibre of me…my body, my mind, my soul. It FELT like it was resulting in all over body pain. Like every single cell is tightly knotted. Pain that results in countless doctors visits and nothing ever found to be wrong.
An invisible, undiagnosable condition. Heart palpitations (thankfully now diagnosed as supra ventricular tachycardia and treated) gynocological problems, foggy brain, emotionally dead OR extreme emotions…the list goes on and on.
I honestly felt/feel like I’m going insane.Then more doctor visits because I need to know there isn’t something more sinister going on. Hello, Health Anxiety. Because OCD isn’t enough, is it? Ffs. I’ve not been myself, for a long time.
Various antidepressants and the mini pill help to mask and somewhat balance/dull some of the moods….effects were temporary and then they’d stop working. I’d be on the outside of myself, watching me acting like a crazy person, wanting to just shake me and tell me to get a grip.
Not knowing. That’s the WORST thing. It’s the not knowing. And the resentment that I’m not living the way I want to. Is it all gyno related? Is it psychological? Is it the foods I’m eating? Is it fibromyalgia? (diagnosed with hyper mobility which brings on fibromyalgia episodes) Is it perimenopause? Is it severe anxiety? Is it an underlying health issue?Is it endometriosis (suspected because of adhesions inside my body) PCOS (diagnosed) Is it age related? Posture related? Is it hereditary? Do I have ADHD? Is it my OCD?
All of those questions…I often eat them. I turn them into giant Cadbury Caramel bars, or bags of giant Wotsits, and I eat them.
I convince myself there’s no point going docs. They can never find anything wrong. Apart from the things that are already diagnosed.
Blood tests done and always NORMAL.
Letting people down/cancelling things/withdrawing from social circles/communities because the bad days out weigh the good about 90/10.Not getting out enough with the kids because some days all my energy is used on getting dressed and then doing the bare minimum of work & housework. Saving any energy for doing planned activities with the kids and/or family. Just lately, I’ve been doing less on social media and really worked hard to reduce activities that drain me in some way. I love social media but a break when i’m not feeling good about myself has been the best thing for me so far.
I’ve been on the combined pill for the last month. I said I’d try it, for 3 months max. If it doesn’t work, I want HRT, because I’m convinced this is menopause and intense stress pushed me into it 3 years ago.
The last couple of days, I have been too afraid to say out loud that I feel so much better. I have more energy. Less pain. My moods are a bit more stable (I’m a bigger cry baby than normal so…anyway) my brain seems to be firing on all cylinders. The fog is clearing. A glimpse of genuine excitement for things. That’s the one I’m most afraid to admit. I feel like if I admit it, out loud, it will be taken from me. I don’t know why I feel that way.
Is this the effects of suddenly introducing some more oestrogen into the body? Answers in comments, please.
Is it actually just the very rare, 2 days a month that I feel good and tomorrow will be back to zombie land? Just putting one foot in front of the other and just…coping? Running on empty.
Anyone with an invisible condition will relate, on your good days, when you’re able to do things and you seem happy and full of energy, they’re the days that otherwise healthy people think of and probably wonder ‘But you seemed fine the other day…’ I can go from feeling amazing to plummeting to the depths of my soul and/or feeling crippled with pain/really poorly in the space of 5 minutes. So please don’t judge me or anyone else with an invisible illness, based on a few minutes of seeing them.
We’re ALL good at masking, too, and will often say ‘yeh I’m fine! How are you?’ And we say that because we often feel like we sound like broken records and don’t want to bore anyone anymore.
So anyway. I am fine. How are you?